Jan 28, 2010

Vancouver

So Vancouver. For the first time, I knew what it meant to be centered. To not worry about expectations, social requirements, attitudes, shoulds and should not's. I felt truly centered for the first time in my life, and it was freeing. I could look within, and listen to my heart, instead of listening to opinions, and pressures, and other peoples agenda's. The calmness of my heart was palpable, in a way that it never has been before. I have tried to explain to people how my soul felt in Vancouver, but I dont think I explain it well, as no one seems to catch my enthusiasm (well besides my father, but he feels the same way I do about Vancouver, so our souls speak instead of our mouths). Ill end this post by trying to explain it like this: In Calgary my soul feels dry, almost brittle, as if the lack of moisture in the air, not only dries out my skin, but my very essence as well. In Vancouver, my soul is like a sponge, absorbing the vibe of the city, the salty damp air, and the glory of a city that seems never ending with the options it has, for all.

Jan 19, 2010

Van City

So I'm going on a trip, and for the first time in my life, I am going alone. I am so excited. It's funny how when you ask for the best life possible, and know (trust) that the "universe", too, wants you to have the best life possible, what oppurtunities come around for you.

Vancouver is my happy place. In a large, busy, city, where very few people know me, I feel anonymous. I can shake off the shackels of pre-concieved notions and monotomy of Calgary, and just BE. When I think about what my weekend is going to look like in Vancouver its funny, because all I can think is that I just get to BE. Ill do anything I want to do, whenever I want to do it, not thinking about anyone else's schedule or preference. This is deep, true, unadultured self care. Im so excited about the lessons to be learned. Lessons about myself, my relationships, my god, and the universe. I know that this will be life changing as I am open. Open to new expereiences, people, places, interactions. Im open for the universe to move through me (in the way it does when your paying attention) and take my life to extraordinary places.

Lets go. Lets start.

Jan 18, 2010

On to the Next

Hawskley Workman.



I continue to be consumed with desire for this man. And that desire permeates every level of desire that a human can feel. I was trying to explain to a friend the appeal of Hawksley, and for me it is that tension between his sweet, romantic, chill inducing songs that are whispered softly, as if he is in bed with a lover and his lusty, salacious songs that bring out the carnal desires of even the most virginal prudes. If we are honest, all women are looking for just that from their men. We want our men to be sensitive, listen to our deep thoughts, tuck stray hair behind our ears, while looking into our eyes, telling us soulful romantic things that make us melt at their touch and then in the next moment, turn on the swagger, call us nasty names and make us feel like objects of sexual desire. Its a delicate balance.
A balance that Workman has down.


Besides his talent at song writing, I just listened to an interview with him. He's a smart guy! He was getting into some thangs that really resonated with me, its funny how the universe is connected in such a weird majestic puzzle that you hear interviews, or songs, or read a book at the exact right time, right when you need answers, or suggestions, or need to know that you aren't alone. Let me see if I can explain what Workman said in his interview, as it is eerily similar to everything that has been on my mind lately:





As a child, you are breed to believe that one day, you will arrive. You will find your niche, and there will you stay. You will go to school, find a career that defines you, know what your 'calling" is and be eternally happy in you little niche in the world. Parents antagonize this belief system by asking children "what do you want to be when you grow up?", or by telling kids that "God has an amazing plan for your life". Unfortunately, the older you get, the more questions there seems to be, not more answers.

All this to say, as an adult, coming to the harsh reality that maybe there isnt a huge exciting plan for your life gives you two choices in how to respond. You can choose to constantly loath over the fact that this "life" you have been waiting for is never coming. Or you can choose to see the fact that this fantasy life you imagined up for yourself is not going to turn out, and that that is a blessing in disguise. In this latter mind set you will begin to see that by constantly try to progress, intentionally never arriving, you are pushing yourself to always be something new, something different, something transcended. I would never want to wake up and feel complacent. I would never want to feel completely satisified with where I am spirtually, or emotionally or relationally. To be complacent with life, to feel as though you have "arrived" is to give up; give up on feeling deserving of something better, something new, somethings more authentic to who you are. I vow to always push myself, to never settle for status quo, for good enough, for almost. I want to be consistantly, as Jay-Z would say, on to the next....


I now hope that I never arrive, that I am always, as Jay-z would say, "on to the next".

Jan 14, 2010

You're going to reap just what you sow.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

Music transports you.

Its funny how a song can bring you back to an exact moment in time. I'm listening to the Life Aquatic Soundtrack this morning. When Loquasto International Film Festival by Mark Mothersbaugh came on, I instantly got transported back to the day of my wedding. I remember standing with my bridesmaids in the back room waiting to walk down the aisle. Come to think of it, I can't recall what emotions I was feeling. I know I was excited, and I felt a little frantic, as my vows had just gone missing and we had to scramble to find new ones. But upon hearing the opening bars of Loquasto (which is what the parents walked down the aisle to), I remember thinking, "I'm ready, we're starting, lets do this". Its important to listen to music that brings you back to specific times in your life. Its good to meditate on the past, remember your feelings, bask in nostalgia. I learnt a very valuable lesson this week:

Consider all experiences in your past as blessings. All things that happened in your past are blessings, just like all experiences that are currently happening your reality are blessings. Your past shapes who you are today. To change the past would be to change your present. Dont dwell on the past, on mistakes, or choices, or lack of experiences. When thinking about the past make connections about how the past positively influenced you as a person, what you learnt, who you were then and how that is different than who you are now. The past is important, but attaching negative weight to past expereiences only leaves you bitter, resentful and angry. Remember your past with joy, appreciation and as a blessing, and in return your present will feel more blessed as well.