Blue LIke Jazz

So I used to have another blog, it was called "Textual Relations" and I started it back in 2007. I was reading some of the posts I did back then, and this one about Blue Like Jazz, the book by Donald Miller, really rung true. I still feel a lot of the same emotions that I expressed in this post, so I thought I would post it again, to bring a positive, courageous energy to this blog.


So I have been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller recently and I have come to a conclusion, well not really a conclusion. In reality I have to work out what I am thinking in my head and writing often seems to help me with that so here it goes. I don’t actually expect any of you to read this. I am kinda just ranting….I think that it is a blessing and a curse to grow up in a Christian home. On the one hand I got taught at a very young age that Jesus loves me no matter what I do, say, or how I act. I have such a strong identity in Christ that no matter what goes on in my life. No matter what speed bumps I come across, I have little fear of pain and suffering because I know that God is with me, and will protect me and will see me out at the end ok.On the other hand, my early history with Christians has left me with some very negative side effects that are hard to shake. As Donald Miller pointed out in his book, Christians use love like currency. I have ALWAYS felt conditionally loved around people in the church. I have always felt that if I don’t talk a certain way or dress a certain way or be involved in Church activities enough that I was looked down on as “less godly” and therefore less lovable, and less loved. It has always felt like I have to earn love in order to be loved. This is something that was ingrained in me since childhood and that I had a hard time shaking. I think sometimes people who don’t believe in sin have an easier time loving. There are no rules on love. There is no code, or set of conduct that they have to live up to in order to be loved. These people love people because they are people. And that is enough for them. I used to grade everyone on a code of ethics that I was taught since childhood. I used to have a mental test that people had to pass in order for me to love them. I think we all have this to some extent, but mine was SO precise that very few people actually passed the test. I think that I was so confident in Jesus’ love for me, that I was cocky about it. I was so wrapped up in my little world of right and wrong that I forgot whom God is. God IS love, and I lost sight of that in my need to hold myself and everyone else to some impossible standard of perfection.I never fit in at church. I always said that wrong thing, wore the wrong clothes, disagreed with the pastors and had a critical mind. In my experience these are things that churches shun. People at church have always looked down their noses at others who admit to not having all the answers. Christians (for the most part) are very proud. We feel as though we know the truth and everyone else is ignorant. Most Christians would rather give a pat answer to someone searching and in need, than humble themselves and admit they don’t know the answer and go looking for it. If you grow up in a Church and you admit to be “searching” or “confused” or “lost” or not having all the answer, some Christians will shake their heads and back away, labeling you a “sinner” instead of opening up their arms to you in love so that you feel welcomed and accepted.People at Church are very uncomfortable with people who dress or look differently than they do. Most churches that I have been a part of have been mainly comprised of middle-aged conservatives. Anyone who is out of that paradigm is looked down on. When I was a teenager I had dreadlocks and a lot of piercing. I was a punk before it was popular, fashionable and everyone was doing it. I refused to dress differently at church than I did at home. My mom was the Children’s pastor at our church and she was horrified. In public she was supportive and with a laugh and a smile told everyone that it was just a stage. She told everyone that as long as I didn’t get anything permanent like a tattoo she was fine with it. All of her friends were in awe. How could she be so ok with it? How could she be so easy going? She was the talk of the church. Her patience and understanding were immeasurable. However in the privacy of home it was a different story. Every Sunday morning I was told to change my outfit. I was told I was an embarrassment to our family. That I was giving the people in the church the impression that my mother couldn’t control her children and that would cause her to lose her job. She tried anything to make me change and being a teenager, the harder she pushed, the harder I pushed back. People at the church don’t accept people who look differently.Conservative Christians don’t like to be challenged. They don’t like to think for themselves. Christian Professors teach what their Professors taught them 30 years ago. They don’t come up with new concepts for new generations. All they do is regurgitate everything they were told without actually thinking it through and judging it for relevance, or truth.Most Christian are very afraid when someone challenges the theology that they have been taught.After High school I had no idea what I wanted out of life. I didn’t do that well in high school and I didn’t particularly enjoy it so the idea of going back to school was not a pleasant one. I worked for a bit and found it unfulfilling and needed a change. So I went to China and taught English. It was the hardest and best thing that I have ever done. After I got back I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, I had little or no Christian friends and I missed community. So I went to Bible College. I thought that I would meet people with the same critical mind as I had. I thought I would meet the leaders of the new wave of Christianity that would affect this post-modern society. Unfortunately, most of the people I encountered were regurigating the same tired old theology that their parents had told them. The professors and students were stuck in a 1980’s worldview. I was being taught the same things as my parents had been taught in the 80’s. I was disappointed and mad that I couldn’t find anyone who though for themselves, who challenged the B.S. that we were learning. Everyone was just accepting all these outdated ideas as truth. And I got fed up. I started playing devils advocate just to ruffle feathers. I felt like an outsider and I felt like people felt sorry for me. I remember in one class we were talking about human’s sinful nature. How people were inherently evil and sinful and that was the reason for war, greed, and disease. I raised my hand and started going off about how I disagree. I went on and on about how I felt as though we were created in the image of God and that makes our NATURE pure and how evil was something that was unavoidable yet a force outside of human nature. People looked at me as if I had just hit them in the face. They looked shocked, angry and full of pity. Let me tell you, it started a heated discussion. People were attacking me verbally and treating me like because I had a different belief I was the EVIL that they were talking about. My teacher ended the discussion with “Well Lara, most Christians believe that Humans have an inherently evil nature”. MOST CHRISTIANS!!!! MOST CHRISTIANS!! The majority of Christians used to think that it was their job to kill anyone who wasn’t a Christian. Most Christians used to support the crusades. When has the majority of believe made something truth? I know I wasn’t basing my argument biblically. But for someone to end a discussion by saying “most Christians” is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard. After class I went down to the library where one of the girls that were digging into me the hardest in class came up to me. She was a girl in her late teens that had been home schooled her whole life and had been a missionary kid in Columbia. Nothing against missionary kids (J was one myself) and nothing against home school kids (I want to home school) but she had a VERY small range of what a Christian should look like, and it was obvious that I didn’t fit into that scale. She came up to me very cocky and said,“I’m sorry that you are wrong and I am right, and I am sorry that I had to make you change your views, but you should really look into things more biblically.” I looked at her very confused and said,“ I don’t know what you think you said to me to make me change my mind. But I stand on what I said. Thanks anyway.” And I walked away.Instead of an opportunity to open her mind and consider a different view, she closed herself off to a relationship with someone as well as to a different opinion. So many Christians think that by arguing with someone about their views, it will make them change their minds about God and they will be delivered. But is that how Jesus worked? Did he argue and get emotional about theology? Or did he let the scripture do the talking and ask people questions about their faith and use their views and life experiences to start conversations about truth. Christians hate people with different views. It takes Jesus out of the box they have placed him in, and that scares them. I love when someone opens my eyes to a new way of seeing Jesus. I love having conversations with non-Churched people and finding out what makes them tick, what they believe and who they are. Whenever I open myself up to conversations with people that I know have drastically different views than myself, I always end up learning something about myself, God and my prejudices. In conclusion, I think that we all judge people more than we love them sometimes. But I am on a continually journey to love more than I judge. I want to be known for my kindness, acceptance and love instead of my judgement, prejudice, and ignorance. I have also asked God to help me find a church that feels the same way I do. I think there is a movement that will change the face of Christianity. But I would like to change the face of Christianity in my own life, so that when people come into contact with me, I change their opinions about what a Christian is, because my life models something so different than what they have experienced. I don’t know exactly how that is supposed to look, but I’m not in a rush. In God’s Perfect timing right?

This is all I know for sure.

I dont know a lot. And I sure don't consider myself the most spiritual person I know, or the most theologically sound person I know, or the most biblically studied person I know. But if I know one thing, if I choose to stand for one thing in my life, it is this:

I was not put on this earth to judge. Anyone. That is not my role, how can I, with the brain capacity of a human, even begin to determine what is wrong and right for other people. Judging others without being in their shoes, without living their life, without knowing their experiences, goes against every cell in my being. Judgement has a negative vibe, my body rejects it at all cost.

The way I chose to go through life is to Love. Plain and Simple. Love Everyone. Demand equal treatment for all humans. Not based on sexual preference, or religion, or skin color, or sex. Demand equal treatment because we are all human, we are all trying to get through this thing called life the best way we can, and everyone deserves to have a little more Love in their life. A little more positive energy, a little more light. It doesn't matter if you are a "good" person, or a "healthy" person, or even a "kind" person. WE are all healthy, and unheathly, good and bad, kind and unkind. Why should we be dependant on labels in order to love someone or to be loved by someone. Why cant we all get together as a community of humans and spread as much love as possible. Abolish fear, get rid of systems and beliefs that no longer work, and move on. Support each other in our quest to find ourselves, to be happy.

This is all I know for sure. I hope you can agree with me that we need more love in this world, we dont need anymore fear, or doubt, or hate. We need more love, and if my choice to love "the unlovable amoung us" puts me into direct conflict with the people whom I love, so be it. Because I will not stop loving those who persecute me. I will not stop loving anyone, even if they choose to stop loving me. Because I have learnt in my 26 (almost 27) years on this planet, that it is easy to love those who love you back. The harder thing to do is to love those who maltreat you. It is harder to love those who scare you, or who think differently than you. But they deserve love too. Everyone does. And if I can support your cause, and stand behind you in battle against people who arent showing you love, I will do that, as I feel that is my role, as a human, as a Jesus lover, as someone who doesnt have all the answers, but is trying to follow her gut and is doing the best she can.

And the Flip Side...

So after what might have seemed like an angry bitter "hate-on" for all things motherly. (haha) I was looking through some blogs on blogger.com, and came across a blog, written by a mother, who is funny, and loving, and interesting, all the things I hope to be someday (: She wrote, what is best described as a love letter to her 12 year old son on his birthday, I must admit, I cried, in my office, real tears. It warmed my heart, and reminded me that even though I dont want kids TODAY, there is joy and blessings and life within motherhood. Here is a link to the love letter, I hope you enjoy:
http://stiesthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/02/twelve.html

not to brag or anything, but my life is great.

So I was looking through facebook today, as I do everyday when Im bored at work, or just procrastinating, and it actually made me a little sad. I was looking through "friends" profiles, and browsing through pictures of their lives, and to be completely honest a lot of them just seemed so depressing to me. Now obviously this is just my opinion, but where else can you openly say your opinion if not your own blog that no one reads (: Anyway, I see people my age with a 5 year old child, a baby, and one on the way. I see their houses, their husbands, their lives, and I just feel sad. What a sad exsistance to be bogged down by kids and an ugly husband and an ugly house at 26 years old! Why do people jump into that shit? Why do people screw their lives away so quickly. I mean I like kids as much as the other guy....well that might not be entirely true, I might not like kids at all really. Hm..no, wait! I do like kids, I just dont like babies. AT ALL. And I dont see the reasoning in having kids early. I mean, having kids in your early 20's seems CRAZY to me. I dont want to seem like one of those selfish women who say they will never have kids. Thats not my shtick at all. I want kids, someday. Not to-day. I feel young, vibrant, full of energy, ideas, and adventures. Im in the prime of my life. I have a great job, that pays me...not well (: but it pays me. I have a husband, who keeps getting better looking every year that I have known him, who loves and understands me, and lets me live my life the way I need to in order to be myself. I live in a city I hate, with people I love, I have a house that screams LARA, I have a dog, I travel, I party, I go out with friends, I have drinks on the weekend, I do what I want, when I want. My life is so close to perfect that if I were a pessimistic person I might be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fortunately thats not who I am, instead I bask in the glory that is my life, knowing, that far too soon in the future, all this greatness will end. The time will eventually come, when my ovaries will start speaking up, and I will jump on the baby train with gusto. I know this day is coming, and I know with each passing year it is getting closer and closer, I also know that life isnt to be rushed. I, along with a lot of my "christian counterparts", who were told not to have sex before marriage, rushed marriage. Now, in my case, with the grace of God, this has turned out well. I still love my husband, and I have struggled through feelings of regret for rushing such a huge decision, and have found myself on the other side, full of the knowledge that I chose the life I did, I followed my gut and it didnt lead me astray.

However, I degress.

Learning from mistakes is important. I dont consider my marriage a mistake, quite the opposite actually. However, perhaps I got married as young as I did (age 22), for the wrong reasons, with limited information about how the world works. Perhaps I would have made a different choice if I had had more life experience, if I knew what was waiting for me on the other side of 22 years of age. What Im trying to say is, I'm not rushing another HUGE life decision. Im taking my time on this one. I have my whole life ahead of me. To be a mother, a woman, a friend, a wife, a human. And it can only serve to benefit any offspring that I have in the future, for me to understand as fully as I can, the crazy world that I call home. It can only serve any children who make their way into my home, for me to understand myself, as fully as I can. I want to learn about people and communication, I want to know about cultures, and how they worship God, I want to learn about people, and the struggles they go through just to live life. I want to know what it feels like to be centered and balanced on a daily basis. I want to experience life, to experience living, to not be afraid, just because I was told to be. I want to find ME in everything else that is going around. And to be honest, I think Im doing a great job. Every day, every year I do more and more that scares me. I stand up for myself, I love myself, I take care of myself, and the more I dont these things, the more everyone else benefits as I have more to give.

Someday I will have children, and I know that they will be my life. I think about being a mother and I get excited and feel at peace knowing that it is my purpose in life to love children. But I am willing to wait. I am going through the school of hard knocks, and when I graduate, no matter how old I am, I will be older and wiser and more prepared to take on the hardest challenge of life; raising a child.

So dont rush me Calgary, dont push me into a decision that only seems normal to Southern Alberta and some of the Southern States. Children in your 30's is normal and healthy, and when the day comes that I am ready for the adventure of parenting..youll be the first to know, so please stop asking.

thanks.

FOUND IT!

For a minute there, I found myself. I found myself.
For a minute there, I turned a corner, and cant turn back. I grew up, found wisdom, found perspective. Found free will. I found what was missing, and instead of turning away from what I know, I turned toward it, I turned toward comfort, and familiar, and home. My heart was my guide, and it didnt let me down. I have no more struggle, no more wanderings, no more dreams of what might have been. I know as much as I know, and that is enough for me. I can rest easily in my lovers arms, with the knowledge that he is whom I choose.

The boy who walked with the trees.

There once was a boy who walked with the trees. Who whispered his secrets to the quiet of the forest. Who rested in their branches. The trees in return supported his sorrows. They sheltered him from experiencing any more pain. They knew his story and they did not murmur it amongst themselves as they do with other mortals secrets. They knew his pain was sacred, was important. They saw his heart and shuttered at how deep the pain went. It went deeper than the deepest flesh wound. They recognized that this boy, was dug up by his roots. He was hacked to pieces, and left to dry out. His heart was as dry and hard as petrified wood, and just as beautiful. The trees wanting to help would pick up the boy and sway his sorrow in the crooks of their branches, they would let the wind make sweet lullabyes for the boy, by dancing between their leaves. But sometimes, mortals are left alone for too long to be saved. Sometimes, they dont want to be saved at all. Sometimes their sorrow owns them, defines them, becomes their blood type. Trees have powers; to lift, to protect, to heal, and perhaps someday, the healing they can provide will soak in, so that it becomes real, but until that day the boy who walks with the trees, will wait, and listen, and learn to be.