Mom,

Thanks for grounding me, supporting me, praying for me, staying with me, believing in me, talking with me, laughing with me, seeing me for who I am. Thank you for trusting me, challenging me, disagreeing with me, missing me. Thank you for making me feel normal, understood, loved, appreciated, known. Thank you for listening, knowing who I am, and giving me the strength to trust myself. Thank you for being the person I need when my feelings are all mixed up and I cant get it straight. Thank you being so similar and so different, for our shared love of books and subtitled movies. Thanks for hugs, amazing hugs. Thanks for warming me up leftovers.

I dont know what I learnt today, but it was heavy.

My choices affect those around me. As a stone dropped into a still lake causes ripples outward, my decisions affect those close to me more than I realized. As I choose to learn through experiences, the people close to me must also face their demons. Deep rooted fears of abandonment, trust, loss, and change. They did not choose to experience these things but my life choices have brought these feelings to the surface, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for the disruption that my choices make in your life. But I am not sorry for making the choices I need to make. I am facing my fears too. I am scared. Of being myself, of making friends, of starting over, of falling back into my old habits. But I have chosen to face my fears and fight them, head on. Im sorry if you were not ready to face your fears. Im sorry that your life is changing. I love you.

I guess what I learnt today is: Loving people is messy.

This is all I know for sure.

I dont know a lot. And I sure don't consider myself the most spiritual person I know, or the most theologically sound person I know, or the most biblically studied person I know. But if I know one thing, if I choose to stand for one thing in my life, it is this:

I was not put on this earth to judge. Anyone. That is not my role, how can I, with the brain capacity of a human, even begin to determine what is wrong and right for other people. Judging others without being in their shoes, without living their life, without knowing their experiences, goes against every cell in my being. Judgement has a negative vibe, my body rejects it at all cost.

The way I chose to go through life is to Love. Plain and Simple. Love Everyone. Demand equal treatment for all humans. Not based on sexual preference, or religion, or skin color, or sex. Demand equal treatment because we are all human, we are all trying to get through this thing called life the best way we can, and everyone deserves to have a little more Love in their life. A little more positive energy, a little more light. It doesn't matter if you are a "good" person, or a "healthy" person, or even a "kind" person. WE are all healthy, and unheathly, good and bad, kind and unkind. Why should we be dependant on labels in order to love someone or to be loved by someone. Why cant we all get together as a community of humans and spread as much love as possible. Abolish fear, get rid of systems and beliefs that no longer work, and move on. Support each other in our quest to find ourselves, to be happy.

This is all I know for sure. I hope you can agree with me that we need more love in this world, we dont need anymore fear, or doubt, or hate. We need more love, and if my choice to love "the unlovable amoung us" puts me into direct conflict with the people whom I love, so be it. Because I will not stop loving those who persecute me. I will not stop loving anyone, even if they choose to stop loving me. Because I have learnt in my 26 (almost 27) years on this planet, that it is easy to love those who love you back. The harder thing to do is to love those who maltreat you. It is harder to love those who scare you, or who think differently than you. But they deserve love too. Everyone does. And if I can support your cause, and stand behind you in battle against people who arent showing you love, I will do that, as I feel that is my role, as a human, as a Jesus lover, as someone who doesnt have all the answers, but is trying to follow her gut and is doing the best she can.

FOUND IT!

For a minute there, I found myself. I found myself.
For a minute there, I turned a corner, and cant turn back. I grew up, found wisdom, found perspective. Found free will. I found what was missing, and instead of turning away from what I know, I turned toward it, I turned toward comfort, and familiar, and home. My heart was my guide, and it didnt let me down. I have no more struggle, no more wanderings, no more dreams of what might have been. I know as much as I know, and that is enough for me. I can rest easily in my lovers arms, with the knowledge that he is whom I choose.