2 week update

How do I sum up this experience? I'm finding it hard to write about as so many huge moments are happening and my life is changing on a daily basis. I guess the main thing that I am learning is to be fearless. It's funny, the more often you do things that scare you, the less scared you become. I have always known that your greatest fear lies in anticipation of the fear, not the fear itself, but I had never put it to the test in such a real way. I am learning more everyday to trust my gut. If I feel anxious about something, or nervous, I'm not running away, or hiding from that feeling. I have to process it. I have to ask myself, "Is this something that is unsafe/not good for me? Or is this something that I am afraid of?" If I find out the answer is the latter one. I jump in. I do the deed, and not with timidity. NO! With Gusto. With Courage. With the curiosity of a child.

By far the biggest fear that I faced so far was going to church on Sunday. Im not sure how to explain my feelings about church for those of you who are unfamiliar with my past. But I guess its fair to say, that in my experience, I feel betrayed, lied to, and manipulated by the church. Its funny for me to even write that as before this week, I wouldn't have known thats how I felt. I knew I was angry. I knew I felt wronged. But I wasn't sure why. Well going to church on Sunday after a LONG hiatus was just what I needed on some level.

I stepped into the building, not out of duty, or habit, but with fresh eyes. I walked into church on my own accord, being aware of my surroundings, how I was feeling, and what was happening in my body. What an amazing experience! The minute I got to my seat I had a hot flash. I couldn't figure out what was going on. My sister Joyelle, who suffers from anxiety, walked me through it. It was actually funny. I was shredding my clothing, trying to regulate my temperature, and she looks at me as says, "are you having a hot flash?"

"Yah!" I said, "I feel like a 50 year old woman."

"I get those all the time at church." She whispered with empathy in her eyes.

"You do?" I exclaimed, "Why is this happening? Whats it from?"

"Anxiety." she stated plainly, as if anxiety and its affects were an obvious and regular occurrence. Once I knew that my body was reacting to my anxiety with a hot flash, it was easy for me to slow down my breathing, calm down my mind and cool myself down.

Now without getting into the nitty gritty of what was said, or the doctrine of the church, about half way through the service the pastor started saying some things. He was speaking passionately about how he believed and about what he thought was right, and I can respect that. The only trouble I had with what he was saying, was when he started using phrasing like, "the only way". Now growing up in the church, I fully know that most christians have a very strong belief that you need to be a christian, believe that Jesus is the son of God, died for your sins, and was resurrected in 3 days, in order to go to heaven. Heaven apparently being the only goal in life. This, according to most Christian religions, is the corner stone of faith.

Now Im not saying I have all the answers. Im not even saying that my viewpoint is the viewpoint everyone should hold. All I know is, as long as I can remember, whenever this topic came up, in church, or in discussions, my body vibrates with "thats not the God I know". I don't know how else to put it. The God I know, is aware of human stupidity. She created us. She is aware of our emotional issues, and the problems that we will hold throughout our lives due to traumatic experiences as youngsters. She's aware of our differences, or individuality, She created us to be different. The God I know, takes everything into account. She knows our hearts, She's excited about the spiritual journey we are each on. Even if we deny her, she excited that we are thinking about metaphysical shit. I guess Im more of the mindset that its about the journey with our creator, not the conclusions our limited, idiocy, human minds come up with. Its about the JOURNEY.

However, I digress, all Im trying to say, is as I was listening to the message, my body was alive with righteous anger. And this was a feeling I felt a lot as a teen for a very different reason. It is the feeling I get when I am being lied to. Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But lied to none the less. And it is this feeling, that I promised myself I would not blindly go along with ever again.

More to come....