In the world of Lara, there are two types of Jobs. Blue Jobs (or Boy Jobs) and Pink Jobs (or Girl Jobs). Knowing this information and claiming it as your own, will change your world as you know it.
Let me explain:
Blue Jobs (in my house) are all tasks that involve heavy objects, gross things, power tools, funny smells, uncomfortable situations, physical labour, finances, yardwork (excluding gardening), repairs of any type, and anything involving the vehicles.
Pink Jobs are all other tasks. These include but are not limited to: all operations involving food, organizing the social calendar (remembering birthdays, events, get togethers), laundry, general cleaning, shopping (which includes, clothes, shoes, household items, groceries, toiletries, pet food, birthday presents, medicine, furtiture, art, etc.), maintaining marriage health and wellbeing, always keeping account of where your man's touque, hat, sweater, coat, pants, keys, wallet and id card are, and general entertainment knowledge (where to eat, what to do, who to hang out with, what movies are out).
With the knowledge and appreication of Blue and Pink jobs, never again will there be any confusion over who should be doing what. It is all laid out, simple as sin. When you ask your husband to please take out the garbage and he tries to give you attitude, all you need are these 2 words. "Blue Job". Not only is it smelly, its usually heavy and gross, and no self respecting man, would want their lovely, delicate, soft, sweet smelling, loved one to do something gross and smelly. This is by definition, a blue job. Its just science.
Take this life lesson and use it, your life will forever be changed. Blue Jobs are gross, I dont want to do them and neither do you, so by categorizing them as Blue Jobs, you are never required to do them again, and that leaves more time for you to do the important things, like being the first one to know about a sale at The Bay.
Nov 16, 2009
Husband Vacation
So my husband left for a "boy's trip" last week. He is flying into Buffalo, seeing some sports games, travelling to Pittsburg, seeing some sports games, and then travelling to another non-descript American city and seeing some sports games. As a result I have been left alone, to fend for myself, which if I'm honest, and if you cant be honest on the internet where can you be honest, I was very excited about.
I know that seems a little rude, and as a perfect wife I should be sad to see my lovely husband leave, however lately I have been feeling a need for independace. I started dating Josh when I was 17 and have been with him ever since. I am now a 26 year old woman, and after almost a decade of being with the same person, you begin to forget what being single feels like, what fending for yourself feels like, what doing your own thing feels like. So this weekend, I got to expereience a very small taste of singledom , and Ive got to say, there are pro's and con's.
Now, some of the pro's are obvious. One of the most exciting advantages of having no husband for the weekend is that I was able to clean my house from top to bottom without any interuptions!! I know, to those of you without husbands this seems like NBD. However, let me tell you, husbands are needy. Its as simple as that. Emotionally they need you to tell them how great they are, how much you love them, support them, appreciate them, respect them. Its a full time job. However, they are not only emotionally needy, they are, or mine is, relationally needy. He wants to hang out, to do things, to spend time with me, CONSTANTLY. And I'm not complaining. I feel so fortunate for marrying a man who WANTS to spend time with me. It truly is a blessing. However, when needing to get things done around the house, or when I need to be alone for my own sanity..things get a little salty.
Another advantage of being single for the weekend is that my house is actually STAYING clean! Its a miracle how clean the house stays when there isnt a clutter monster coming into my house every day leaving a trail of books, and papers, and bits, and coins, and socks, and food, and tupperware, and..etc. It feels so good to clean up once a weekend, and it stays that way! I can relax, I can sit in my living room and not think about all the clutter I should be cleaning up. Its a modern day miracle.
Aside from having a clean house, without my husband home I actually leave the house on time! I got up this morning at 7:00am and instead of working around him or waiting for him to finish his business in the morning, I just did my thang, and was ready in record time. I even had time to stop and get a coffee before coming into work today, and I wasn't even late. Good Day!
Obviously there are some disadvantages to not having a man around the house. The biggest one for me is the garbage. Its starting to stack up and I dont know what to do. Taking the garbage to the dumpster is such a blue job and I cant seem to make myself do it. Its gross.
On top of that the Dog Poo in the back yard is getting out of control and I dont do that job..ever.
I think the biggest disadvantage to Husband Vacation comes at night. This week, my dog decided that he is a guard dog. Last night at 12:30am, he got super paranoid, thought someone was breaking in, and ran downstairs barking hysterically. I woke up from a deep sleep, scared shitless, thinking someone was breaking into my house and not knowing what to do. Funnily enough, my first thought was, "shoot, Im not wearing any pants, I have go confront an intruder, with frilly panties and a t-shirt on." So I threw on a robe and went downstairs to investigate what all the commotion was about. I looked out the windows, checked the doors, and did my best to calm down my confused retard of a dog, before feeling safe enough to go back to bed. To my HORROR, 2 hours later, my Touch of Downs Dog decided to wake me up by barking at an invisible intruder for the second time that night. It was all too much. All I wanted was my husband beside me so that he could yell at my dog, see if there was a rapist at my door and I could go back to bed, knowing I was protected. But he wasnt beside me, he was on man's trip. I was all alone, and I wanted my husband back.
To conclude, I have found that I really do love the independace that comes with having no husband. I saw more of my friends, I did my own thing, I really enjoyed it. All that being said, I am excited for Josh to come back, mostly because I asked him to get me a present, but partially because I miss him. I think I will try and make this man's trip thing a yearly, or maybe even bi-yearly event.
I know that seems a little rude, and as a perfect wife I should be sad to see my lovely husband leave, however lately I have been feeling a need for independace. I started dating Josh when I was 17 and have been with him ever since. I am now a 26 year old woman, and after almost a decade of being with the same person, you begin to forget what being single feels like, what fending for yourself feels like, what doing your own thing feels like. So this weekend, I got to expereience a very small taste of singledom , and Ive got to say, there are pro's and con's.
Now, some of the pro's are obvious. One of the most exciting advantages of having no husband for the weekend is that I was able to clean my house from top to bottom without any interuptions!! I know, to those of you without husbands this seems like NBD. However, let me tell you, husbands are needy. Its as simple as that. Emotionally they need you to tell them how great they are, how much you love them, support them, appreciate them, respect them. Its a full time job. However, they are not only emotionally needy, they are, or mine is, relationally needy. He wants to hang out, to do things, to spend time with me, CONSTANTLY. And I'm not complaining. I feel so fortunate for marrying a man who WANTS to spend time with me. It truly is a blessing. However, when needing to get things done around the house, or when I need to be alone for my own sanity..things get a little salty.
Another advantage of being single for the weekend is that my house is actually STAYING clean! Its a miracle how clean the house stays when there isnt a clutter monster coming into my house every day leaving a trail of books, and papers, and bits, and coins, and socks, and food, and tupperware, and..etc. It feels so good to clean up once a weekend, and it stays that way! I can relax, I can sit in my living room and not think about all the clutter I should be cleaning up. Its a modern day miracle.
Aside from having a clean house, without my husband home I actually leave the house on time! I got up this morning at 7:00am and instead of working around him or waiting for him to finish his business in the morning, I just did my thang, and was ready in record time. I even had time to stop and get a coffee before coming into work today, and I wasn't even late. Good Day!
Obviously there are some disadvantages to not having a man around the house. The biggest one for me is the garbage. Its starting to stack up and I dont know what to do. Taking the garbage to the dumpster is such a blue job and I cant seem to make myself do it. Its gross.
On top of that the Dog Poo in the back yard is getting out of control and I dont do that job..ever.
I think the biggest disadvantage to Husband Vacation comes at night. This week, my dog decided that he is a guard dog. Last night at 12:30am, he got super paranoid, thought someone was breaking in, and ran downstairs barking hysterically. I woke up from a deep sleep, scared shitless, thinking someone was breaking into my house and not knowing what to do. Funnily enough, my first thought was, "shoot, Im not wearing any pants, I have go confront an intruder, with frilly panties and a t-shirt on." So I threw on a robe and went downstairs to investigate what all the commotion was about. I looked out the windows, checked the doors, and did my best to calm down my confused retard of a dog, before feeling safe enough to go back to bed. To my HORROR, 2 hours later, my Touch of Downs Dog decided to wake me up by barking at an invisible intruder for the second time that night. It was all too much. All I wanted was my husband beside me so that he could yell at my dog, see if there was a rapist at my door and I could go back to bed, knowing I was protected. But he wasnt beside me, he was on man's trip. I was all alone, and I wanted my husband back.
To conclude, I have found that I really do love the independace that comes with having no husband. I saw more of my friends, I did my own thing, I really enjoyed it. All that being said, I am excited for Josh to come back, mostly because I asked him to get me a present, but partially because I miss him. I think I will try and make this man's trip thing a yearly, or maybe even bi-yearly event.
Sep 11, 2009
Touching Tongues
So when I was younger, like quite young, my sister Joyelle and I spent our whole summer "tongue touching". We were on a road trip to BC, to our grandfathers cabin at Swan's Pointe and we spent the whole car ride touching tongues because we thought it felt funny. Oh the silly things kids do who dont know better! Anyway, because we were innocent and children and didnt know that what we were doing was kind of weird, one day we touched tongues in front of my mom. My mother looked down at us giggling, having a great time and with disgust said, "Lara, you know better than that, thats disgusting, stop it."
Now, I certainly did NOT know better, I had no idea what she was talking about? Why did I suddenly feel dirty, why did I suddenly feel like I was a deviant? It was an alarming and uncomfortable feeling not knowing why you are disgusting, I felt ashamed, embarassed, but mostly what I felt was curious, why was touching tongues with your sister gross?
A few years earlier I had a similar experience. I was riding my bike with my sisters. We were on the way to the candy store (my favorite childhood activity), when suddenly I could sense my sisters energy shift from our lighthearted summer bike ride energy, to fear and panic. We rode our bikes home as quickly as our little legs could peddle. When we got home my sisters couldn't wait to tell my mom that they saw a man walking on the street and from what I could pick up, they saw something alarming in his pants. I had no idea what they were talking about, or what could possibly be in a man's pants that would frighten my sisters so much! So I asked my mother, I said, "Mom whats going on? What was in his pants?", and my mother looked at me and said, "Lara use your head, what do you think was in his pants." All of a sudden a light bulb went on, A GUN!!!
ok, so it was a dull bulb...
I figured out years later that it was a penis.
Now, I certainly did NOT know better, I had no idea what she was talking about? Why did I suddenly feel dirty, why did I suddenly feel like I was a deviant? It was an alarming and uncomfortable feeling not knowing why you are disgusting, I felt ashamed, embarassed, but mostly what I felt was curious, why was touching tongues with your sister gross?
A few years earlier I had a similar experience. I was riding my bike with my sisters. We were on the way to the candy store (my favorite childhood activity), when suddenly I could sense my sisters energy shift from our lighthearted summer bike ride energy, to fear and panic. We rode our bikes home as quickly as our little legs could peddle. When we got home my sisters couldn't wait to tell my mom that they saw a man walking on the street and from what I could pick up, they saw something alarming in his pants. I had no idea what they were talking about, or what could possibly be in a man's pants that would frighten my sisters so much! So I asked my mother, I said, "Mom whats going on? What was in his pants?", and my mother looked at me and said, "Lara use your head, what do you think was in his pants." All of a sudden a light bulb went on, A GUN!!!
ok, so it was a dull bulb...
I figured out years later that it was a penis.
Sep 4, 2009
Love Water
DO you ever look at yourself and think, "Gosh Im pretty!"? Ive been having a lot of those days lately, and though it might seem weird, I think I know why, well besides the obvious; that Im very pretty. (:
So I heard about a study this Japanese guys did, where he looked at the molecules of water and noticed how the molecules changed based on whether he blessed it or "cursed" it. For more information please go here http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm
Anyway, I have this water bottle that I drink out of at work, and a few weeks ago, I taped a peice of paper with the words "self love" onto the bottom of the water bottle. If this Japanese guy is correct, I am changing the molecular state of my water. I am changing it into self-loving water, and if my body is made up of 60% water, that means I am literally drinking in "self love" and at least 60% of my body is going to be made up of self love. Thats cool. And on top of that I think it works! Ever since I have been drinking out of my love water, I have been loving my body, my face, my hair, my actions, my personality...more and more every day.
I mean, before I started this water experiement, I always had, what my sister calls "reverse low self eestem". I think I'm way hotter than I am in real life. But like everyone else, I had good days and bad days. I had days when I felt on top of the world, like the hottest girl in the room and days when I felt like a schleppy, dishelved 12 year old. Since drinking this water in, I have ended my "bad days", how could I not love myself when I am drinking in pure love all day long?!?
It's Amazing! You should try it! But you dont have to put love in your water, you could put courage, or willpower..oh thats a good one, I think I will change my paper to say willpower..itll probably change my life.
So simple, the way living should be.
So I heard about a study this Japanese guys did, where he looked at the molecules of water and noticed how the molecules changed based on whether he blessed it or "cursed" it. For more information please go here http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm
Anyway, I have this water bottle that I drink out of at work, and a few weeks ago, I taped a peice of paper with the words "self love" onto the bottom of the water bottle. If this Japanese guy is correct, I am changing the molecular state of my water. I am changing it into self-loving water, and if my body is made up of 60% water, that means I am literally drinking in "self love" and at least 60% of my body is going to be made up of self love. Thats cool. And on top of that I think it works! Ever since I have been drinking out of my love water, I have been loving my body, my face, my hair, my actions, my personality...more and more every day.
I mean, before I started this water experiement, I always had, what my sister calls "reverse low self eestem". I think I'm way hotter than I am in real life. But like everyone else, I had good days and bad days. I had days when I felt on top of the world, like the hottest girl in the room and days when I felt like a schleppy, dishelved 12 year old. Since drinking this water in, I have ended my "bad days", how could I not love myself when I am drinking in pure love all day long?!?
It's Amazing! You should try it! But you dont have to put love in your water, you could put courage, or willpower..oh thats a good one, I think I will change my paper to say willpower..itll probably change my life.
So simple, the way living should be.
Love Intangible
It is amazing how the English language has words that represent intangible concepts; concepts such as love. Think about it, I say “love” and it leaves my mouth, enters your brain, and you connect it to a feeling, and intangible emotion, perhaps a positive experience that you had, perhaps a feeling of loneliness. In return, you let me know that you understand what I am saying, and I assume that you do. But how do I know that you understand “love” in the same way as I do? How am I sure that the letters I have grouped together to form a word that has no tangible state, has been understood in your brain, the way I intended? There is no way to find out if you understand the word “love”, if your meaning of the word is congruent to the description in my head. If I were talking about a zebra, I could point to a zebra and say “that is a zebra.” I would be certain that you knew what I zebra was, because I pointed one out to you and you understood what I was saying. But I can’t show you “love”. I can’t bring it to you and say, “When I speak of love, I am referring to this”. But somehow I assume that you know what I am talking about because society created a word, for a feeling you can’t explain. Cool.
Aug 28, 2009
Naked Pictures
A few months back my husband went out of town on a "boys trip". Being the perfect wife that I am, I thought it might be nice to send him some sexy pictures to remember my bod by whilst he was away. So, on a Monday Morning around 8am, I get nekkid, slather on some moisturizer to make the best out of what Ive got, and proceed to take pics on my blackberry. Now, Ive gotta say, I have mastered the self taken picture on blackberry, and my end result was everything that you would want from a 4 inch by 3 inch picture, lets just say, I was satisfied.
I go to send the picture to Josh, but somehow, someway, in the foggy-headed processing that is me before coffee; my hand slipped, and I sent it to someone else! Not my intended.
Now, before I tell you who I sent it to, let me tell you that it could have been worse. I could have sent this picture to all sorts of people that would have WAY less appropriate than the person I sent it to. I could have sent this picture to family members, or work associates, or random boys that I used to know 4 years ago. Wouldnt that be a nice, "hey, how youve been." haha.
So, instead of sending the picture to my lovely husband, I sent it to my best friends, work associate. A girl that I have met a few times, hung out with a bit, but surely isnt on the level of intimacy neccessary to recieve a naked picture at 8:00 in the morning without being a little shocked and appalled. I immediately sent a retraction, an apology, and a "oh woe is me", trying to take back what I have done.
Now, though this expereience was frightful, embarrassing and humiliating, I learnt an important lesson:
Once you send a picture, you cant take it back, so be choosy about the pictures that you are sending. REAL CHOOSY!!
I go to send the picture to Josh, but somehow, someway, in the foggy-headed processing that is me before coffee; my hand slipped, and I sent it to someone else! Not my intended.
Now, before I tell you who I sent it to, let me tell you that it could have been worse. I could have sent this picture to all sorts of people that would have WAY less appropriate than the person I sent it to. I could have sent this picture to family members, or work associates, or random boys that I used to know 4 years ago. Wouldnt that be a nice, "hey, how youve been." haha.
So, instead of sending the picture to my lovely husband, I sent it to my best friends, work associate. A girl that I have met a few times, hung out with a bit, but surely isnt on the level of intimacy neccessary to recieve a naked picture at 8:00 in the morning without being a little shocked and appalled. I immediately sent a retraction, an apology, and a "oh woe is me", trying to take back what I have done.
Now, though this expereience was frightful, embarrassing and humiliating, I learnt an important lesson:
Once you send a picture, you cant take it back, so be choosy about the pictures that you are sending. REAL CHOOSY!!
Aug 20, 2009
Russian is the New Black
Ok, so here it goes...
I have always fantasized about being (in the biblical sense) with a black guy. I dont know if thats racist, but never the less, its true. Well, I guess it was true until yesterday. Yesterday all that changed.
If, for one day I could have sex with someone other than my lovely husband, I would want to do a Russian. I met one yesterday and he was all I've ever wanted. Let me explain why.
First off, and almost most importantly there's the accent. Now, for you who have never heard a Russian man speak go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ41-7fVObs <--I mean come on! Who could hear that accent and not automatically have panty soup? So manly, so strong, so foreign.
To me, Russian men have such an air of romance around them. That accent spurs on visions of fur coats, vodka and cold nights with only our bodies to keep us warm. A strong strange voice whispering in my ear, telling me secrets that I can barely understand. Telling me stories of the "old country". sigh.
Secondly, Russian men always look so rugged, so brutish. Something about the way they look at you says, "I've fought men and animals with my bare hands, I fight to the death." I bet there is not a russian man alive that has not gotten into at least one fight. It's probably a prerequisit to be Russian. And I dont think its all in my head either, I mean "google" Russian Men and I'm sure that you will get a list of men with strong jaw bones, prominent noses and scarred faces. Faces that have been through a hellish beating and live to tell about it.
Ok, so I just "googled" Russian Men, and it was really lacking in the brutish men department. There was the necessary Russian gymnasts and a lot ugly nudity but no one reminiscent of the charming, untamed man I met yesterday who spoke softly of his dog in the "old country". How disappointing...
Ok, so I have a confession, I just "googled" black men, I think my "race-wet-dream" is back on the brotha bus. Man, Will Smith is fine...
Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. In conclusion Russian Men will invade my dreams tonight, I may never get a real oppurtunity for a husky, strong russian solider to pick me up and carefully place me on his bed of animal furs before having his way with me, but I can dream about it tonight, and oh what a dream itll be.
I have always fantasized about being (in the biblical sense) with a black guy. I dont know if thats racist, but never the less, its true. Well, I guess it was true until yesterday. Yesterday all that changed.
If, for one day I could have sex with someone other than my lovely husband, I would want to do a Russian. I met one yesterday and he was all I've ever wanted. Let me explain why.
First off, and almost most importantly there's the accent. Now, for you who have never heard a Russian man speak go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ41-7fVObs <--I mean come on! Who could hear that accent and not automatically have panty soup? So manly, so strong, so foreign.
To me, Russian men have such an air of romance around them. That accent spurs on visions of fur coats, vodka and cold nights with only our bodies to keep us warm. A strong strange voice whispering in my ear, telling me secrets that I can barely understand. Telling me stories of the "old country". sigh.
Secondly, Russian men always look so rugged, so brutish. Something about the way they look at you says, "I've fought men and animals with my bare hands, I fight to the death." I bet there is not a russian man alive that has not gotten into at least one fight. It's probably a prerequisit to be Russian. And I dont think its all in my head either, I mean "google" Russian Men and I'm sure that you will get a list of men with strong jaw bones, prominent noses and scarred faces. Faces that have been through a hellish beating and live to tell about it.
Ok, so I just "googled" Russian Men, and it was really lacking in the brutish men department. There was the necessary Russian gymnasts and a lot ugly nudity but no one reminiscent of the charming, untamed man I met yesterday who spoke softly of his dog in the "old country". How disappointing...
Ok, so I have a confession, I just "googled" black men, I think my "race-wet-dream" is back on the brotha bus. Man, Will Smith is fine...
Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. In conclusion Russian Men will invade my dreams tonight, I may never get a real oppurtunity for a husky, strong russian solider to pick me up and carefully place me on his bed of animal furs before having his way with me, but I can dream about it tonight, and oh what a dream itll be.
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